Gifted and Robbed

(This is my first test post from my iPad WordPress app *crossing fingers*)

Gifted: because this wasn’t supposed to be me. It looked like i was not going to get to this place. Not naturally anyways. Babies weren’t meant to survive in THIS womb. But through some medical intervention, a little wholistic therapy and a whole lotta belief, here I am. Waiting on this child, who’s newest habit is to find spots in my back ribs to lodge herself into and give Mommy a reason to holler. Through the day she gently kicks me as I work to remind me she is in there. I have never taken better care of my self mentally, physically or emotionally as I am in this moment. And the whole time I feel completely surreal. Thus far it has been the very best parts of most people’s journeys that I know of all scrunched into one. I am extremely humbled by all of this and hope that I am ready to receive and deliver this little human to the world.

Robbed: in comparison, I shouldn’t even mind this small technicality. I should be singularly focused on all the miracles that brought me down a path that leads to this amazing place. But this scheduled c-section that I have absolutely no choice about is a downer. Most women would be practicing their breathing or researching midwives and taking classes or looking into Eco pools. I am one of THOSE types. The kind that DID NOT want an epidural or pitosin or any kind of intervention. I wanted to feel every part of this miraculous process. The immense pain and the reciprocal ecstasy … Deliver my little one and hold her in my arms immediately. Not me cut open, cauterized, lay prostate as she is yanked out of me and then have to wait hours before I can touch her. It’s all putting a major damper on me as I approach the final stretch. Everything is, “oh, your having a c-section? Then you don’t have to worry about doing this or learning that or feeling anything”. Auntie Ena has NOT given up on the possibility that I would deliver vaginally. She prays it onto my belly every time she sees me. A trained midwife all her career life, she would want to see this go as naturally as it possibly can. What I think us missing from her vast repertoire of knowledge is this new brand of expectant mother. The heavily worked on, cut up and sewed back together again that has so much potential for bleeding out at birth that a natural birth with contractions isn’t an option if everyone (mother and baby) want to make it out alive. Her endless hope has me wishing it was a possibility. But no dice.

Truly in comparison to the blessing… I should have nothing at all to say. And I don’t anymore. I just had to put it in words to get it out of my mind. I just wish there was more information/ preparation given to expectant c-section moms as there are for the way God intended…. That’s all.

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