Danbury

Today we learned of a brutal massacre that took place at an elementary school in Danbury Connecticut. Sandy Hills. A gunman who at the time of this writing was identified as Adam L killed his father at his home then traveled to the school where his mother was a teacher and proceeded to kill her and 6 other adults and 20 small children before turning the gun on himself. Several injuries are still being treated. But the emotional toll is everyone’s right now. Survivors, onlookers… Everyone. If you don’t feel anything about this – parent or no – I think you’d have to be a sociopath of some kind.

A friend of mine put it eloquently earlier that you send your babies to school knowing that they will be safe and cared for. Who could foresee something like this taking place? No one, I am sure. The mental connect the dots you would have to do to justify this is simply too lofty. Moreso when you consider that the shooter is now being describes as having Autism or Aspbergers Syndrome or some kind of mental defect that they haven’t quite gotten a hold of yet. Prior to learning this, I was really interested in learning the reasons forthe shooter’s actionss. But knowing he may not have been in his right mind… I realizes I may beer have a reason. My question remained why he had, in his condition, such ready availability to firearms. It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe my mistake is attempting to qualify or rationalize any of it. It seems senseless. Coping with it requires some kind of justification in the bigger picture – part of God’s plan or the universe’s way of balancing. None of it still really good enough.

The longer I am a parent, the more I realize that the entirety of it is a balancing act. A tightrope walk that you pray to make it to the “other side” with, hopefully, you and your child unscathed. But actually- there is no other side. My mother went to her final resting place STILL worried… Wondering how we would manage without her. And while it is the natural order for a child to bury her parents, it doesn’t mean that the parent would stop caring about what may happen to their child without their supervision, guidance or love. For all the years of my life, if my mom couldn’t see or touch me, she worried about my well being. And sometimes – even when she could see and touch me.

I now know that worry intimately… Constant concern and watch over my little one. And the empathy that I feel for others who have children has been magnified a thousand fold. I had managed to hold it together for the larger part of the day until I heard my President speak. And HE could not hold back he tears. Someone who regularly deals with fears and worries and concerns of not just his nation but others imagined what his heart would be like if it was Sasha or Malia.

I don’t like the hypotheticals that put me in that position. I am just barely holding on to what shreds of sanity I have left. I don’t see any light past an untimely happening to my cherub goddess….

So I will just love on her as if every day was the last.

My deepest prayers and condolences to all affected.

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