Distant

Last week, Shawnnie’s mom passed away.  He and I had been chatting more on Facebook and IM in the latter half of 2012 and she was battling breast cancer that had spread to her liver and bones.  Her decline was rapid and so she wasn’t in pain for a very long time.  And for that I’m grateful.  But Shawn now has to go through this painful initiation into the motherless club.   I’m still getting jumped in daily… and I don’t think it ever actually just “takes”.

I made my way to Roosevelt last night to pay my final respects to Ms. Jones because I did in fact know her for 10 years.  But… that was 13 years ago.  What a world of events that come and go in 13 years.  And the brain fog taking over my memories did NOT make it any easier to connect with the familial multitudes.  I’m sure somewhere in the years I spent with Shawn I’d met all of those people in there.  But last night they were really all just strangers (outside of Robby and Leelee).  I was disconnected from them a long time ago.  And I thought, up until last night, I was still in some sense connected to Shawn.  But less than I realized.  We’re completely different people now.   And there’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s just hard to come to terms with the evolution that spins you away from people you think you’ll always be close to.

Domi came with me which was a heaven send… because I would have been 100% by myself.  In that setting?  I didn’t need to be alone.  So my lifetime best friend jumped at the chance to have my back… again.  I’m so grateful for him.  I paid my respects, gave all three siblings long hugs and my condolences… and I made my way back home.   I don’t envy what he has to go through for the next few months.  But I have come to terms with the idea that it’s all a part of life.  It would have destroyed Mommy or Ms Jones to have buried any of their children.  This IS the order.  And while we never want to see them go, we want LESS for them to suffer at all.

Still… i miss her forehead for kissing… and her arms for holding me… and her voice for soothing me.  That’s a feeling that will never get too far from my heart.

*