Just Say It Out Loud…

In Kanye’s latest “Ye”, the first song is called “I Thought About Killing You”.

In one line he said “Just say it out loud to see how it feels.  People say ‘Don’t say this. Don’t say that.’  Just say it out loud… just to see how it feels.  Weigh all the options.  Nothing is off the table”.  There are some repeated thoughts that have rolled around in my head for years that I’ve been afraid to put to “paper”.  Just afraid to see them staring back at me.   Afraid someone else might stumble on them and feel they need to intervene.   Afraid someone might read them and … not care.   I dunno.  Afraid that it may make me too human.   Afraid that it might break the last veil of the life I give the impression I’m living.   I’m tired of being afraid.  Fear is holding me in place.   In not insisting on living my truths… I’m being forced to live all the lies I’ve placed around that I thought were there to protect me.   And it’s killing me.

I’m miserable.

I cry all the time.

I’ve turned into my mother in all the worst ways imaginable.

I’m painfully lonely.

I’m unfulfilled.   At work.  At home. Everywhere.

I’m setting a HORRIBLE example to my daughter on how to live her best life.

I have no place to run to.

There is no one who truly knows me.

I sometimes dream of running away.  (again.. my mom)

I sometimes hope to not wake up.

I’m underappreciated.

I’m living for everyone else and not myself.

There’s no one who loves me more than I love them.  Looking back I’m afraid with the truths I now have… maybe noone ever did.

I drink way more than I’m comfortable with.

It doesn’t work to numb me anymore.  I’m scared I might begin to seek out something that does…

I’ve been avoiding doctors… and I really shouldn’t be.

I feel trapped.

I’ve given up hope on ever escaping any of my trappings.

The only thing keeping me going is the fear of leaving my daughter behind with too many questions and more confusion necessary in a world like this.

I think I was right at 5 years old when I felt like me being here in this world was a terrible error… a mixup of colossal proportions.

I fear that my greatest talents will be buried with me.

I sometimes want to go silent and never say another word.

I’ve gone fully invisible.  Except to Athena.

I don’t want to put the burden of my life’s purpose on her.   That isn’t fair to her or to me.

I wish I could have a life-changing epiphany like I see so many people having that turns their life around on a dime.  I need that right now.

I need something miraculous.

I’m scared it’ll never happen because all of my naivete in believing in magic or in others disappeared being involved with people I should have never trusted with my hopes.

The 2nd to last cut on the same album “Ghost Town”… speaks to me so fully.   Opening with a gospel sample talking about “someday…. I will wear a starry crown…”   Someday it’ll all turn around.  Someday I’ll wake up in a better situation.   Someday, I will be living my purpose.   Someday, I’ll be seen for who I am and loved for that … the way I deserve to be.   Or… Someday, I will be relieved of the troubles of the world.

Until then… I’m in so much pain I’ve reached numbness.   I say things to myself like… “Maybe next lifetime.”  “I’ll get it right then.”

“And nothing hurts anymore… I feel kinda free.”

Kanye West “Ghost Town”

Back to my regularly scheduled disguise.

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