Disappointment

We walked along a boardwalk that was headed to a beach. (not running alongside the shoreline but the water was the destination).  Along the way there were several carnival-like places to go into – gaming places, music club, bars, etc.   I noticed that she was all at once my mother and my daughter.  But I knew it was my mom the whole time phasing in and out of form.   And frolicking was the agenda this day.  She wanted to have fun… mill about, run if she felt like and generally be free.  And I was allowing it – cautious to take care I knew at all times where she was so that I could keep her safe.   I found one location close to the end of the boardwalk by the water that was kind of a gym/bathing/refresh station that also played music but it was a barefoot wet floor setup.   I thought it would be good for us to refresh there before we sat on the shore.  It was almost sunset.

I went back up the boardwalk to find her and she was running back and forth across the boardwalk in and out of the establishments.   I yelled her name, “Athena!!”  And she stopped in her tracks and gave me a look that was at the same time trepidacious as well as indignant.   “WHAT???” she shouted in exasperation.  “C’mon… seriously,” I negotiated, “It’s almost time… can you calm down already?”  She rolled her eyes at me and begrudgingly dragged her feet in my direction.  She relented.  “Fine.”

We started down the boardwalk and thoughts of our selfie filled my mind.  I couldn’t wait… not only would we take a picture together – because I haven’t seen her in so long – but on the beach, where we both loved and during the sunset.  It was a picture I would treasure forever.   We chatted as we walked.   She brought up old stuff.   Being secretive and vague about her life.   “I’m not good with bad things,” she admitted.   I acknowledged her statement because I agreed.   I looked over at her and i saw that she was really remorseful about it all.  I stopped her and placed my hands on her shoulders.  “Mom… it’s okay – there are two things I’ve learned about personal bad stuff.”  She listened tentatively. “One – they’re usually your fault. And Two, if you admit to them soon enough, you can do something about it and try to fix the situation.”  She rested on my words for a beat and then started to look at the floor.  “I must’ve been a big disappointment, huh?”  I swooped her into my arms and hugged her tight.  “Never, to me.”  Words from an older version of myself I supposed.

I encouraged her into the refresh hall where she balked at the idea that it was barefoot space because she had socks on and didn’t want them to be soggy (this is where the dream gets strange because it started to break up.  She finally acquiesced to a shower and seemed quite agile (able to pick her foot up past the divider to get into the shower basket) and happy to be getting clean (definitely where I get it from).   After her shower, we dressed and headed out of the refresh center and back onto the boardwalk so that we could walk to the beach.  I could see the horizon from where we were.  Thoughts of the picture we’d take together filled my mind again.  “I can’t wait to show Domi…” I thought, feeling my heart fill with joy… then suddenly dread when I realized…

I woke up.

Thanks for the visit, mommy.

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