Change

It’s been a good year.

A lot of the prayers I prayed have been fulfilled. Others are still in the queue. I think it’s been such a good year that I neglected to come on here and document what has been happening because a lot of it has just been gratefulness. Me, with closed eyes and a smile, thanking God for the reprieve that this past year / 18 months has been versus the previous period.

I’ve traveled – the Maldives, St. Lucia, Playa del Carmen, Vegas. Basked in the sun, played in the water, and watched my baby girl enjoy the tropics. I’ve borne witness to some really great shows on tv that have blessed me with new points of view and ways of looking at the situations around me. I’ve solidified friendships that have been long-standing and pivotal to me in my life and world. And I’ve continued to identify spaces where I need growth, understanding, and patience.

Nothing lasts forever. Change truly is the only constant. And I feel it in the air. Stuff is starting to shift. I have no idea in what direction. But I now feel like I need to prepare. Because it’s morphing again.

I saw a TikTok yesterday that rocked me quite a bit last night:

@ken.manifest Self-Love Crash Course – Part 1 #selflove #manifestingtips #feelbetter #manifestlove #motivation #spiritualjourney #spiritualtiktok ? Ambient-style emotional piano – MoppySound

I was immediately able to snap back into the mind frame when my body was housing and growing Athena. I treated myself completely differently. I knew her growing body needed my body to be as healthy and as cared for as possible. I stopped abusing myself with alcohol and tobacco. I stopped eating things that were not conducive to my well-being. Because I cared enough for HER. The notion he presented of giving that care to my future self also jarred me because in my thoughts/mind / personal philosophy – I’ve essentially killed her off, haven’t I? I talk widely to my friends about how I’m not here for a long time. How I don’t want to grow old and become dependent on others. How aging is just NOT a thing that I’m looking forward to. What a way to cut short the possibilities for a future me who is hopeful for more. I just don’t have a shit ton of examples where it gets better from here for the folks I know. With the exception of Athena who… I don’t know how NOT to love entirely and completely and unequivocally and unconditionally… every other facet of my life looks pretty bleak. I’m not sure I know anyone who would want to endure this in the long run.

Hoping to rejuvenate this space for me to talk through what I’m experiencing as I embark on the last year of my 40s. I’ve gotten very silent for so many reasons: no one reading really so who cares, afraid to document my fears, pains, wishes, and dreams to the world (yeah – the same world that isn’t reading), not being able to sort through the thoughts and make them coherent. All the reasons I started the blog some 20 or so years ago. It’s time to come back to this as my touchpoint. A grounding place. And prepare for the changes coming.

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