Polluted soul

I took a nap today.

What a luxury.

I’m not always afforded the opportunity. But on this lazy Saturday around 4:00 … Athena was tucked away in her room “vegging out”; Earl was at a chapter meeting. And i felt especially sleepy midday. So I laid down to sleep. Letting the white noise of air conditioners and fans pushing cool air around my room lull me into a sense of relaxation. And I think it was fine for a while. Then a nightmare-scape began.

In the same room i was in… a popular song played – I can’t quite pinpoint which one. But it was TikTok famous and trendy with all the kids who had formulated songs to it. And in the foyer of my bedroom, my uncle appeared. That uncle. Insistent on teaching me that there was a classical dance to this particular song. Or the song it was derived from. Why I was so obliging to him in that moment, I’ll never understand. But he took my hand and placed his arm around my body as if to ball dance. (Must’ve been my binge consumption of Bridgerton this afternoon).

We began to do some orchestrated dance to the music. And in an instance… I felt his lips on mine. But when I looked at him – he was still a dancer’s distance apart… I blinked and looked over his shoulder. In a flash, I felt his tongue in my mouth. And I shuddered and looked… but he was still a distance apart. And in that second I asked… “did it really happen? or did imagine it completely?” The same question he Jedi-mind tricked me into asking myself back when I was 12 when I confronted him on the whole thing. WHY would I make it up? WHY would an 8-year-old WANT those kinds of recollections? Or even know how to form THAT kind of memory at that age??? Why we would he make me question myself well into my 40s about what I KNEW to be true?

Why is this still polluting my very existence as I look to turn 50? How have i not let go….? how long do i have to suffer? what in God’s name do i have to do to be rid of this?

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